The Heart of the Matter

 "Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained." 

-C.S Lewis

I'm sitting facing my oldest daughter, staring hard at her as my mind whirls. Emotions surge like waves wanting to crash out in a torrent of words that, if I let them loose, will burn like salt water in a wound. Words I won't be able to wash away. So I continue to stare. 

I search her eyes and see myself there, my own pride and stubbornness that wants to justify itself by scolding her to somehow relieve my own guilt. And then, as the emotions settle, I turn my heart toward the only One who can rescue us both, and knowing that I need exactly what she needs, I know what to say. 

As the years slip by and my children grow, I find myself coming to a deeper and deeper realization that they are each a mirror to my own faults and shortcomings. The anger that can rise and bubble over isn't coming about because of their actions, but because it's already there in me, just waiting for the right catalyst to let it explode. I don't like what I see in the mirror, and it isn't my child staring back at me, it's my own reflection.

When I refuse to see my reflection in the mirror, but focus on protecting my own sin, I cannot wish for my loved one's ultimate good. I cannot even wish for my own ultimate good! God's persistent love brushes past the fluff of affectionate feeling and our tumultuous emotions and patiently presents us with mirrors, not to condemn us, but to show us that if we are willing to look, we will see love staring back at us.

Rhythms and Limits

"How difficult it is to be simple."

Vincent Van Gogh

Waking before the kids and stealing down to the river one morning this week was balm for my soul. The last month or so I have been developing a new habit for myself of earlier to bed, earlier to rise and an hour of time set aside to read, pray and align my heart to the rhythm of God's heartbeat.  Finding the new rhythm has been challenging, so much so I've had my older kids call dad to "tell" on me for not taking my hour and trying to jump straight into the day. The rule for me is to start with my hour of quiet time before anything else. No matter what. Part of the challenge is my physical limits. I have fibromyalgia and Raynaud's syndrome which a good amount of the time makes sleeping difficult which leads to poor bedtime hours and sleeping in late. When I've had a harder night I am very tempted to skip that first hour, but as the habit becomes routine, I am seeing that it's worth keeping the rhythm going even if that means jumping into everything else later in the morning.

I love how God has given us the natural world to show us so many practical lessons. The seasons are an annual rhythm and each have their limits. Growing up in Hawaii where it is sub-tropical, I can see how not having seasons has many draw backs, such as bugs all the time and not getting to experience certain kinds of beauty, such as leaves changing color in the autumn. 

An unexpected result of my morning routine is a realization that I can incorporate other rhythms throughout my day to help me cope with my physical limits. One of those is laying down for half an hour in the middle of the day. A lot of my chronic pain is soothed with this simple practice. Coming to accept this is a big deal for this enneagram type one. I love creating to do lists and crossing them off and feeling productive. And yet, why after a day of fulfilling tasks do I so often feel unsatisfied, as if I've missed something important?  

I've come to see that relationship must trump task. Always. In the natural world, if the relationships in an ecosystem aren't working the way God designed, things go terribly wrong. You may have a lot of production, say of eggs, if you strip acres of land to build an egg farm, but you loose all the natural relationships that the land is meant to thrive on. (A very inspiring documentary that shows this is called The Biggest Little Farm)

I am coming to see that starting my day with my relationship with God and myself is the right order. It has reduced a lot of my stress throughout the day that I would direct towards my kids and they are seeing the value of ordering things the way God designed them to work best. There is much freedom in working with rhythms and limits, whatever yours may be, but always hold relationships as the highest priority and everything else will fall into place. 

What rhythms and limits do you practice or struggle with? I'd love to hear in the comments. 

"Look at the birds of the air, they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable then they?"

Matthew 6:26